My days on a bike

  • By: Marek Kubiakowski
  • Sat 18 Jan, 2020

What a beautiful day it is today, l am going to cycle to work with all the other lunatics that have no respect for the roads or Highway Code.

Ah yes – respect. What does that actually mean? Absolutely nothing to some cyclists. People have lost that word from their vocabulary, it doesn’t mean anything. "I am going to do what l want, when l want and how l want" seems to be the mentality.

This is not just the case with cyclists, it’s the same with some of the current populations that cyclists are part of. This minority just don’t care about respect for fellow neighbours, citizens or for themselves.

So I’m pedalling away as you can see – lovely bike if l may say so myself – then oops! Traffic lights are ahead, I'd better stop.

"Hey you’re supposed to stop at the lights!"

"Naff-off toad" comes the reply.

Yet another little worm dodging the lights on a bike: NO RESPECT!!

Next, I’m proceeding down the cycle lane, which is going in a one way direction, when I see another cyclist is coming straight for me.

"Hey, you’re in the wrong lane" I say.

"Up yours comes the reply" and he narrowly avoids me. NO RESPECT. What a nerd.

Speaking of nerds, two of them are riding along on a tandem bicycle, when suddenly the one at the front slams on the brakes; gets off and starts letting air out of the tyres. The one in the back yells out, “Hey what are you doing that for”?! The first nerd says “my seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit”. So the one on the back has had enough. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it’s the first guys turn to wonder what’s going on “What are you doing,” he asks his friend. “Look mate, if you’re going to do stupid stuff like that I’m going home”.

What a bunch of nerds! God help us that’s all I’m saying.

A vicar was stopped by the police at night for not having a back light. The vicar says, “l don’t need a back-light the Lord is with me”. The policeman says “Two on a bike as well, that’s another offence!”

What do you think is the public perception of cyclists?

At the top of the profession, cyclists look the business; super slick, Lycra clad, super helmets, shaven legs and tanned; yes, they look the part even with shaven legs.

On the other side of the spectrum, there’s the commuter. What a contrast to the professionals! Look at me for example; tubby, hairy legs, glasses; but at least l wear a helmet properly!

Have you seen this? *Shows the audience a helmet worn half way up my head* Aargh! what a sight! Why do cyclists do that? l mean it looks so awful, even nerdy! What about shorts showing off their “crack” to everyone? Aargh! Why do they do it? What an image, yuck!

I can tell you from the heart; cycling is a brilliant sport. It is one of the hardest sporting events. The 3 grand tours in France, Italy and Spain respectfully, raced over a 3 week period. In each case and each tour is over 2,500km in distance; no wonder they take drugs just to survive! (I’m only joking).

I encourage you all to try cycling whenever you can. It is a great sport, kind to your body and joints and has excellent cardiovascular benefits.

Please respect the road. Pedestrians and traffic each have a reputation to support and maintain a good reputation for the sport. Motorists may hate us; but they do have a point – respect the Highway Code AND WEAR THAT HELMET PROPERLY.

Thank you

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